Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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