Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
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Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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