they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
