The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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