he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
