I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
