went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
