Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
