Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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