She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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