I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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