Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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