i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
