Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
