Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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