When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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