Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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