its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
