She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
it was like eating out sand paper
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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