The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
