oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
