Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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