The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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