I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
