maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
