Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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