Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
