I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
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If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
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Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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