Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
