in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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