The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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