We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
only if we run a train.
done.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
