i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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