when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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