Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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