I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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