Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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