wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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