haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i think i just lost a toe
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
