She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
