He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
