So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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