You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
