Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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