I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
