Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
