I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
