I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
