I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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