why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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