he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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