as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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