youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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