haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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