I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
