I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
